“Perhaps you regard this thinking about myself as a waste of time, but how can I be a logician before I’m a human being! Far the most important thing is to settle accounts with myself!”—Ludwig Wittgenstein || A letter to Bertrand Russell
22:50// “You know, it’s illegal for researchers to perform such social experiments anymore,” he thinks of the Stanford Prison Experiment to himself as his phone congratulates him on a new match on Tinder.
About half an hour before that, he was propositioned by an older gentleman for the second night in a row. No, I don’t meet people for money, but I’m flattered?
22:58// I swipe through the guy’s photos. In one he is carving through half of the chest cavity of some dead creature. No bueno. Remember how you said one of the great things about us was that we were both vegetarians Samuel? Well, you were right dear. I love you. Be well friend.
23:01// Oh, turns out the ballet dancer is stopping by after his performance.
He reads an article claiming that cute things make us aggressive. Does that explain every failed relationship I have ever been in?
He thinks, half-jokingly, to himself in the shower, of the dancer’s need for a clear response and proclaimed position, “Okay, he’s a bottom, got to get into the head space, ‘I’m the Sam’.”
23:26// Selects boxers.
23:28// Potential self-hating gay thought flutters through his mind as he receives a second or third complaint from the dancer about the distance of the subway from the apartment, “He’s probably a handful. I mean, he’s 30, gay, and not married, he must be crazy…” We really oughtn’t continue to eat our own kind Samuel dearest.
00:44// He went home. Nice new friend.
1:15// I love you Samuel, more truly than I could possibly ever love any other.
1:39// I submitted myself so fully to you. I was so sweet to you. I am sorry I got so stressed and miserable at the height of the professional war I thought we each were fighting. I never wanted to become a burden, I just needed to know you cared Sam. You never needed to become such an abusive monster. I love and forgive you, as I always will. I get you babe.
“I am a dreamer. I know so little of real life that I just can’t help re-living such moments as these in my dreams, for such moments are something I have very rarely experienced. I am going to dream about you the whole night, the whole week, the whole year.”—Fyodor Dostoyevsky || White Nights (via socratic-thinker)
0:37// The issue of “Grey Room” that came out during the summer of 2013 plays a co-starring role with “The Tempest” in the work in progress. That I suspect you will relish your fictionalization dear, does not upset me. I love you, for the overreacting strange beast you are. I always will. I have never been anything less than a friend to you Sam. Keep up the great work writing, you really do not have to be so vicious.
0:56// I’m sorry, but not sorry, that I was too much of a ‘strong-headed woman’, Samuel dearest.
1:22// Well, I just got asked if I ever “escort” on a dating app. If you hadn’t been on the same page re:marriage as me Sam this wouldn’t have been such a clusterfuck. You’re awful, but I love you. Ugh. Stop being an abusive jerk please, thanks.
“All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that all that happened to you and afterwards it all belongs to you: the good and the bad, the ecstasy, the remorse and sorrow, the people and the places and how the weather was.”—Ernest Hemingway
“A muffled silence reigned, only broken by the shrieks of the storm. Each silent worshipper seemed purposely sitting apart from the other, as if each silent grief were insular and incommunicable.”—
Herman Melville, “Moby Dick”
18:44// ”Can it be, then, that by that act of physical isolation, he signifies his spiritual withdrawal for the time, from all outward worldly ties and connexions?”
I cannot help but imagine, as I read, the one time Samuel went to a Quaker meeting in Ithaca and the bit of grey in his beard in the mirror that final weekend. You will always be incredibly handsome to me.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”—Haruki Murakami || Kafka on the Shore