“Silence reigned over the before tumultuous but now deserted deck. An intense copper calm, like a universal yellow lotus, was more and more unfolding its noiseless measureless leaves upon the sea.”—Herman Melville, “Moby Dick”
11:54// “Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when Heaven seemed false to them.”
I think of dad’s text when I updated him on the legal situation while on the island, “Ride the wave,” he said.
10:12// I lost my mind in the city on a stupid prescription. I was unfair to a person who claimed to love me, fearing his love was merely pretend, or perhaps feeling I was not deserving of such love. I lost my career trying to make right what I had done wrong, but that only led to my further vilification and the traumatic abuse brought upon my head through the hands of the police state. Following all the rules, I tried to make peace this past spring, only to have false charges lodged against me, throwing me back into a deep depression that would lead to me being expelled from grad school. Having changed, the memories linger, good and bad. I cherish the former much more than I hurt from the latter, always hoping for peace. Nothing and no one really touches me anymore. I wonder if I will ever again experience the sort of overwhelming joy I felt when we were still human towards one another, so deeply and truly in love.
“Why is love beyond all measure of other human possibilities so rich and such a sweet burden for the one who has been struck by it? Because we change ourselves into that which we love, and yet remain ourselves. Then we would like to thank the beloved, but find nothing that would do it adequately. We can only be thankful to ourselves. Love transforms gratitude into faithfulness to ourselves and into an unconditional faith in the Other. Thus love steadily expands its most intimate secret. Closeness here is existence in the greatest distance from the other- the distance that allows nothing to dissolve - but rather presents the “thou” in the transparent, but “incomprehensible” revelation of the “just there”. That the presence of the other breaks into our own life - this is what no feeling can fully encompass. Human fate gives itself to human fate, and it is the task of pure love to keep this self-surrender as vital as on the first day.”—
13:01// I am sorry for losing myself. I believe in your best. I love the man I know you can be. I love you, without condition and for all time. Be well. 😘🐺🍀❤️
15:33// I am still all yours, if ever you will again have me. You are irreplaceable. I am sorry. I forgive. I love you. Be well.
16:48// Moving, layering, trimming lines across the screen, no longer with any love to look forward to in the offing. I love you S. I am sorry. I have changed. I believe in you and the beautiful future we still could build together. If I did not truly love you, I would not have suffered and lost as much as I have. I am always here for you, even if we never meet again. Be well stranger.
13:52// I consider how many of life’s tragedies have stemmed from this city. Aye, but even the garden was invaded by armed uniforms (but only after the city, once I was no longer human to the other, once I no longer had a face). How something so beautiful can devolve into something so horrible and traumatic, a train rolls by along the viaduct, I should return to arranging serpentine strands of ivy along trellises. Remember the mute wife from “Children Of Men”? It is a bit like that. That what has been done to me is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the oppressive and fascist police state in which we live, is not reason for celebration. But yes, back to moving symbols across the screen while listening to traffic, uncertain of any future, just going through the motions, come what may. “We buy our way out of jail, but we can’t buy freedom.” Oh brave new world, with such people in it.
12:52// Second time I have gotten the dual ‘blue screens of death’, as calm as the whir of the traffic along the expressway, nothing but the bare moment these days, repeatedly moving symbols across the screen. Have I made peace with this Sisyphusean existence? I dared to dream of a better future once. For that, I have paid a high cost. Aye, but what can bother me now, having lived through such nightmares?
Resentment is the root of all evil. And, my one true love, we are both guilty, though you took things to the utmost extreme, alpha that you are. Be well love, that hideous scowl of yours will leave wrinkles. I am always here for you. I love you, unconditionally.
8:15// I will soon begin another day, after dreaming of meeting myself as a child and accidentally messaging the love of my life. To work without a clear future, with no love waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. The past 17 months have been the most painful and trying of my life thus far, but perhaps I will manage to work my way back into grad school and see where things go from there. Never tell someone you love him without meaning it, surely do not make long-term plans. Calmly review issues in your relationship before letting it devolve. Silence makes the other feel neglected and shut out, too much speech makes another feel overwhelmed. Balance, peace, brotherhood, and growth are all possible. Nothing positive is achieved by abusing another, sticking one’s head in the sand or lips to a bassoon. True love can prevail. Have a beautiful day. I am sorry for my many mistakes. I am a human with a rocky past, but I can and do learn and change. Whatever the case, I truly and deeply love you S. I promise you, I always will, as a friend and as a brother at very least. I believe in your best, despite having experienced your worst. That is what true love entails. Be well.
Franz Liszt – “La campanella" from Grandes études de Paganini S. 141 – Yundi Li
16:50// As the sun begins to set, some curtains drawn, I still, foolish as perhaps it is, love and miss you more than I have ever loved or missed another. Anyway, be well.
16:57// It is all so unbelievable, that something so beautiful should have become something so horrible. I will continue hoping for peace. It never should have happened as it did. I am sorry and I forgive. We cannot change the past, but we can learn, make peace, and rewrite the ending. I love you. Be well. (Come what may, I will always believe in you.)