22:15// Cried it out. Need to start working out more. The pink and purple LED uplights on the bank across the street, which was still surrounded by scaffolding when Samuel and I stood together at the window, his arm around my shoulder, mine about his waist. I wish we had gone out together, like in the photo I uncannily stumbled upon this morning [Went to OKCupid, opened app, image appears, slide image, that looks like the corner of Samuel’s glasses, but lots of people have black frames, swipe again, there Samuel is, full torso, beside his smiling blonde friend (perhaps the guy on Facebook who messaged him about being shown how to be a grown up in the city by Sam)] of Sam with his friends. We should have had that party, our social groups were separated and I did not manage my time to allow us to do the things we needed to do to continue to build on our relationship, instead of me always getting frustrated over little things and him retreating into silence. I really am sorry for that person I became. I lost sight of the big picture. I cannot change the past, but I wish more than anything for a chance to redeem myself from my mistakes. I love you Samuel, even if just as a friend. I wasn’t a monster, nor were you, though we both have certainly had our moments. Guys tend to be like that, dear. Whatever the case, I forgive you as I seek forgiveness. The universe keeps bringing me back. I feel attracted to you, in an almost physical sense, extending from the center of my chest, drawn towards you. I know it’s crazy and psychosomatic, but that is where I feel joy when I see a reproduction of your smile on the screen, I feel the pain of your privation from my life as a hollow void carved from chest, from that same point. That leads me to think of the point on your chest, about where my ear would touch your chest when we hugged, like that day that keeps replaying in my memory beside the thick reinforced concrete column slamming violently through the center of the room — definitely not the space I had planned on living in — the first thing that really started the spiral of negativity going. I at least got some work done today, but I have got to keep improving. Second day of working out and waking relatively early. It’s one thing to remember the good times, but when I start thinking of the bad times between us, start feeling offended, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, resentful, etc., I have learned to let go of those, because what is important to me is our love Samuel. Yes, you did x, y, z and those actions/speech-acts hurt me, but so too did I say many hurtful things, at times not even realizing it at the time. I fully admit that I am mostly to blame for things spiraling down last semester, partially from my lack of understanding of your needs and my own insecurity, especially in this city — just thinking that the apartment building might be scamming me, as I have been scammed at other junctures in the city, raised my anxiety level 10-fold, especially when paired with the noise outside. Funny thing, the first night we were here, you went to bed before me (as you often did, though I do regret not getting into the sitcom couple reading in bed routine with you, I had always meant to, but tomorrow turns into tomorrow turns into tomorrow). I stayed up and watched Alfred Hitchcock Presents: You Can’t Trust A Man. That gave me an eerie feeling and was, however in the background, woven into the larger dark narrative — of a flooded Lower Manhattan, of the coming tempests after Sandy, sirens going off everywhere, trains rolling by, traffic, dogs barking, walls shaking from the neighbor’s bass, cigarette smoke filling the apartment from unknown crevices, etc. etc. It took me living in the city — and productively only because I worked with a trainer 6 days a week and saw a shrink once a week — then moving to Eden where I met the love of my life — then moving back, to recognize how differently my mind reacts to the environments. The schizophrenic layering of noises, lights, flickering LEDs, ropes banging against the glass — another ominous sign, like moving into an old house with a noose tied in the center of the living room. In the city I have to be more careful about how I react to things, about filtering what I notice, or, noticing it, remaining aware enough not to allow it to color the rest of my day or lead me to jump to false conclusions — of course, with sleep-deprivation, the filters aren’t there, and well, I was a jerk via text and I raised my voice when rushing to get emails out in the evening. I was not upset at you, you were like the one ray of light in my life at that point Samuel. I didn’t see what I was doing and how horrible I was acting, because my brain was not all there, I was running on adrenaline. Only sleeping a few hours every night, of course the city became as a nightmare. I have changed, have brought life into the space with all of the plants. I am flawed human being, but I am capable of change, and I do know that the amount of time we spent enjoying one another’s company is far greater than the time we spent arguing. Anyway, I am sorry Samuel. I am crazy, but sane enough to learn from my mistakes and channel my crazy to just the right spaces. I’m trying to be an architect, I think that’s in the job description. I will get through either way, but I cannot produce my best work without you. It is not all about me though, and I am here for you too Samuel. You are brilliant scholar, a kind, if sometimes misunderstood, man, and an all-around great person, when you’re not busy building fortifications out of cereal boxes. Samuel, my one true love, there is no enemy at the gate. I love you beast.
I’m still cropping you into my final renderings, love. <3