18:18// Spinach salad with Blue Heron Farm cherry tomatoes, red onion, red bell pepper, and carrot, drizzled in S.’s signature vinaigrette mixed in an Oxford tough-guy approved miniature whiskey bottle. Whole wheat penne with broccoli and carrots, in a garlic marinara sauce, topped with Parmesan and freshly cracked pepper. I wish you were here dear. There is plenty to dish up if ever you have a change of heart. I like cooking. I love you. Be well.
19:45// I forgive you S. I love you. Please, let us be kind. I believe in you tough guy.
19:51// I go to the glass surface before the Juliet balcony where you once wrapped your arms around me, the sunset not vibrant as it was yesterday, just a pale uniform blue-gray. I look down to the silhouette of the lone great blue heron meandering about a ledge of the waterfall, looking up to the orb weaver descending to his web. The food leaves me feeling nourished, such feelings of contentment, without further meaning, as close to happiness as I tend to get since your sudden disappearance. I am sorry. I forgive. You have radically changed the course of my life. I love you. Be well.
20:23// Lifting in nothing but a pair of black and red plaid boxers, wish you were here. 😘🐺💪😎
21:04// I am sorry for that person I became at my worst. I love you m. I hope you have the sweetest dreams. I wish I were able to comfort you. No one has ever brought out my intellect, my romance, and my sensuality as incredibly as you do. I believe in us, together or apart. Be well dear. I am always here for you, come what may. 😘🐺
21:18// Something completely different: Recently, when I return home, my father has been apologizing for a day I had blocked out of my memory. The two of us were going diving for treasure at the site of some sunken Spanish galleon off the coast of one of the Keys. “It should have been a great day, but I spent it dragging you around upset that I had lost the metal detector.” It always made me uncomfortable and scared when my dad got angry. He was so frustrated that entire day. I saw his worst come out in me during the tempest the spring before last. I am sorry. I see. The next day, once the sun had again risen and the boat was back out at the site, blowers revealed the detector, which had been submerged beneath a layer of silt after he had dropped it while we were diving. I have lived a full life to still be as relatively young as I am, even if it has been punctuated by traumatic events and failures. I can believe in myself despite the institution and the love of my life not believing in me, but aye, how much more robust is life with a partner with whom to dream a new world.
21:52// Dang, Ithaca pizza banner ads have gotten homoerotic.
22:02// I will still be here for you when you are done ‘dude brooding’ love. Do you really plan to keep scowling through life indefinitely? Your grumpiness, at its best, is adorable — when I see that you are grumpy, without words, and manage to make you smile (which, I might add, is my favorite thing to do). One little ‘hurrumph’ and we could have our beauty again. I do hope at some point you realize the silliness of your cereal box walls. There is no enemy behind them. I am sorry. I forgive. I love you, truly. Be well. x^3