6:37PM 5.17.2013 // Wait for me to go to the top of the Shard? ): <3
It was 17 months ago today that we ‘officially’ started dating. I really do hope you join me this summer. I see why you got so rageful and upset — but not until your theatrical last acts. I have changed. I do not let work stress me out as I did.
If you were just looking for a way out, so you could have more time to write, you could have been more assertive, told me it was ‘more time for me to write or I’m ending the relationship altogether because “I can’t give you what you need.” ’
Whatever the case, I am sorry. Your cold silence continues to be painful, as it always has been (though it has never been for so long or involved the use of such extreme and needlessly cruel tactics). I do not know how you can see the photos of us, can look at the happiness on our faces mere days before you decided to flee town (but how much of what you did was merely an act, remains a mystery), and still shut me out. Surrounded by little signifiers of my love for you as I am surrounded by tokens of your love for me, you maintain that indifferent silence that has always frightened me, has always left you as an open question — what will it be, when will it be, always disappearing at the most unexpected moment, apropos nothing but the morning light, a passing train.
If, like last time, it is a matter of not knowing how to respond, just say, “Hello,” it really does not have to be a ‘whole thing.’ I miss you. I know some piece of you misses me too. I was bad. I am sorry. I was not, however, a monster. I was lonely. I was sad. I was freaking out in this new situation.
I will always try to be as perfect as I can be and will always learn as much from my failures as from my successes, but I am not perfect - no one can be. To pass judgment on our entire relationship based on a handful of the most stressful weeks of our lives, is absurd. It is a decision that in time, I am nearly certain, you will regret (as a result of no negative action of mine, mind you — just the passing of time, memory, the realization of opportunities lost, adventures never taken).
Please, let us talk. Let me know if I should be asking others to travel with me in July. Send your sister, parents, and Camilla my warm regards. I believe 2 months is long enough to leave me suffering.